Curse In The Kitchen

Andoulli, onion, and garlic pizza. Quit drooling on your Fucking screen you numb nuts. You know you are jealous.

#dude food #pizza #pork #sausage #andoulli #cheese

I know I’m a stupid bitch that always says “oh I’m going to try and keep up my blog and blahblahblah” but I’ll pretend I mean it this time. I’m not even sorry I failed the other times. Fuck y’all. I do what I want.

So, that said, here goes, a simple tomato sauce from scratch. Thought it would be a good starter recipe, so I could ease back into this, ease it in like a gentlemen.

I figure everyone should know how to make this shit because its so fucking simple and delicious and makes you feel better about yourself than the shitty jarred sauces. And fuck Prego, that means babies. (not really, but it does on the street, because I’m so hood.)

Get this shit:

1 large onion, chopped. (tip: cut off both ends, peel the skin off, cut in half from end to end, put the flat side on the cutting board, make more cuts from end to end about 1/4in apart, then make the same cuts perpendicular to the ones you just made. Repeat to other half.) and you just chopped an onion not like a retard. And if you didn’t understand my delightfully versed chopping lesson…youtube it and fuck off.
4 cloves garlic, minced. (I’m not helping here. google it. use a garlic press, I don’t care.)
1 large can diced tomatoes
1 small can tomato sauce
olive oil
basil, thyme, oregano. (I like to use fresh here because I have it in my garden and I’m better than you, so do what you want. Dried works just fine. I’ve used that too. They even make premixed Italian seasoning. Snap.)
salt and pepper to taste

Heat the olive oil in a skillet. When its hot, like your mom’s pussy, add the onion and garlic. Saute this until the onions are a bit translucent and browned, about 5 min. Then add your spices. Cook for another few minutes. (cooking your spices in oil helps to bring out the flavor a bit I like to think. Or at least it does in Indian cooking) Add the tomatoes and tomato sauce. You might need to add a little water if the sauce is too thick, about a half cup should do it. But don’t add to much or your sauce will be too runny and that’s gross. So don’t fuck it up. Now all you have to do is reduce the heat to low and let this simmer for at least 20 minutes. This part is important because it helps give the flavors time to fuck each other. And everyone knows that flavors taste better post coitus. In this time I might suggest some clean up, because I’m a weirdo and worked in kitchens, clean as you go bitches. OR have a glass of wine, a soda, a diet dr pepper, a virgin mojito, whatever you want. Add salt and pepper to taste, maybe even a couple teaspoons of sugar, and serve over whatever you want. Common bottoms to sauce: pasta, squash, meatballs, ravioli, babies, hookers, grandparents. Get creative!

Hope I learned all you how to make some sauce. I’ve got a list of other recipes I’ve been meaning to write about, but haven’t gotten around to it. I know, excuses excuses. But at least I’m trying right? Sometimes things are hard, but you have to suck it the fuck up and keep up with a stupid kitchen blog because being offensive on the interweb is awesome. Go fuck yourself San Diego!

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Best part of carving up a Fucking pumpkin? Roasting the Damn seeds! This year we are rocking 3 flavors. Dante’s Spicy Madness, salt pepper and garlic, and butter brown sugah and pumpkin pie spice! Nomnomnom.

#pumpkin #fall #Nomnom

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